12:35 am 03/04/2012

These are thoughts that make the me I exist as of right now in this fading moment. I may never meet this me again, and so I sought to enclose it within the entrapment of bewildering white pages.  I choose to right these thoughts down in order to better understand the ordeal that is my conscious being. Over a certain period of time, I have come to realize that I as a member of the human race have grown to detest forms of social interactions and human cultures. I have withdrawn myself not only from what I was brought up to held dear, but also the parts of my emotional being that I know struggle to understand. I find myself longing for a heavy chest that is blistered with sorrows of un-amusement that would treat my mind unyielding burrows of endless inquisitiveness. I have a deep yearning for emotional and physical gratification, but my need to know has hindered these possibilities. The more I come close to another, the less efficiently my mind ponders through unyielding questions that have led in servitude the most intriguing minds.  I have always been a man with the golden heart, always wanting to fight for others. To fight for a cause, for which I could survive even at death. But as I learn and become aware of myself, I feel more and more detested at the knowing that the heart is not gold or neither a heart. It is a bottle filled with bubbling passion that keep fizzing into the yonder as the spur living of life diminishes. This is not to say that I want to end life, which would be the most foolish thing to do from my perspective. Why end something in the hope for something better, when all we know is that we walk within a dark room with all the tools in the world to light it up. But it the knowing that the care I feel for others in nothing but the manifestation of my irrationality that demands I pay the highest offering to some arbitrary thought and gain a infinite realm in the space of the human mind. To become a martyr for a martyr’s sake. Somehow I think becoming a martyr is the only thing through which I can achieve a sound mind that is both fulfilled emotionally and mentally. Paying the ultimate sacrifice for a whole being. Is this something I can do? I hope not, because I wish to live. There is too much in life to determine and reap from its figures. Life is an interesting place, no matter that the soul perceives.  This will take time to get used to. I find it hard to write my thoughts in their most simplistic form, in fear of a pending embarrassment , and I hope to overcome this and dwell deeper into my concerns that go beyond the understandings of good or malice that any society has known.

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